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Retro City Rampage is Balls Amazing, and You Should Buy It!

I just finished Retro City Rampage, and I must say, it’s one the greatest downloadable purchases I’ve made in recent years. It went on sale for half price last month, usually priced at $14.99, but I, like a motha fuckin’ g, got it for $7.99.  Retro City Rampage is the open-world action game created by Brian Provinciano and developed by Vblank Entertainment, available on Steam, Xbox360, PlayStations 3 and Vita, and Nintendo Wii. A self-described parody game, RCR has you playing as “The Player”, who gets into some cahoots with a fucking clown that resembles the Joker. You can read the synopsis at the game’s site, it’s pretty short and simple, and I don’t feel like posting it right now. I’m telling you sorry ass non-owners of the game a few reasons why you should own this incredible indie title.

RCR zoom

RCR is very fast paced and “takes modern game mechanics and mashes them into an authentic 8-bit experience.” I liken the controls and feel of the game to GTA cross bred with Mario. In RCR, you have the ability to jump over nearly everything, from people and cars to bullets and rockets. Yes, you can jump over rockets to avoid being blown away like a little bitch. You can even jump on top of and stomp enemies into the ground, as well as having the ability to pick them up and hurl their asses. The control options are nice, as you have the option to use the d-pad or analog stick for movement; and can stick to the standard face button layout to shoot, or use the right analog stick, which is actually quite useful and works phenomenally well in this game. The amount of content offered for the price is borderline absurd. The story itself offers around 8 hours of gameplay, and isn’t a Battletoads or Contra level of difficulty, but it can be quite challenging at times. There are several collectibles; in the form of loot bags, invisible walls, and “good times” (hidden payphones), that can be found, as well as over 30 arcade challenges to complete. I’ve got around 15 hours put into it, and am currently at 91% completion. Replay value and endgame playability are quite high, as the story is quite entertaining, and running around causing mayhem is a total blast. The end game weapon and vehicle are so goddamned awesome, that I’m going to spoil what they are for you right now.




The lightgun comes complete with the white square when hitting enemies and objects, and when firing, the sound emitted is a perfectly replicated squeeze of the Zapper’s trigger.


The references in RCR are one the game’s best features.  The 2 references that made the entire purchase worthy were the ones to goatse, and the hair style that makes your character resemble Divine. There’s far too many to post, so you should go buy the damn game and enjoy them all for yourself.











Finally, the last good feature I would like to share is this:


That’s right assholes. 3-D.

To make a game that is already excellent is hard to do. But at some point in development, the genius thought came across to add this glorious feature to the game. Everyone knows 3-D makes everything better, and if someone says otherwise; not only are they wrong, but they lack the intellect to properly wipe their own ass.

2013-08-06-162244And yes, it works. Very good, at that. I’m also expecting you to have anaglyph 3-D glasses, if by chance you don’t, then fuck you.


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